Why did Maggie have to suffer? Why did she have to have this disease and die? I just don’t understand any of this and I don’t even know where to begin to start to help myself be okay and go on with my life. I’ve been trying not to look at pictures of her and I’ve been avoiding things that remind me of her because I don’t know how to deal with my emotions. I have a support group meeting coming up soon and another therapy appt coming up. I’m just waiting for these so that then maybe someone will be able to help me work through this. I’ve always been afraid of my own emotions. Once I let a little out it seems to get completely out of control and I can’t get a grip. This is all so scary when I start really thinking and believing that I’m going to go on with my life without her. I know its been almost two weeks already but I still can’t believe any of this. Is this normal? How do I do this? I’m sure I am probably doing things all wrong and making things harder on myself and maybe my family but I really have no idea what to do. I’m so scared. Is it normal to feel like I am living in a different world than everybody else?
I would give anything to be able to snuggle Maggie again. I would go to a doctor appt everyday or more than one a day like we used to, I would give anything to do all of her cares, I would stay up with her every night. But I know that this is all for me and to have her here would have only prolonged her suffering. I know that her body was done and ready to be out of pain. Even though I “know” these things it doesn’t stop me from wanting to be selfish and have her back. Even though I “know” I can’t have her back right now, I still don’t understand it and I can’t believe it.
I feel so trapped in an unknown world…….
I wish I could help you. I will pray for you!
ReplyDeleteI'm no expert on grief--just have felt my own. My dad has been battling cancer for a few years, and slowly dying. I have cried many times for him and my mother. I usually feel better after letting some emotion out--especially when I have my husband there to listen and share and just give me a shoulder to cry on.
I hope that your family can heal. I know that you will never forget, and things will never be the same. The truth is that little Maggie will never be gone from your life. She is your little angel now. She can still be a big part of your life for you and your other children. You can focus on the best of her spirit and the happy times you had together.
I don't mean to pretend that I know what will help. My heart just aches for you.
Yes, it is normal to feel like you are in a completely different world because in a way you are. You have just experienced the most difficult loss life has. Be gentle with yourself as there is no right or wrong way to greive only your way. Someone once told me to wear my grief like and old sweater. You hurt so bad because you loved sweet Maggie so deeply. I beleive once we get to heaven ourselves all of our questions will be answered. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I could feel a ball of anger in my chest after Landon passed. The counselor had me sit on one couch and put a pillow on the other and pretend that pillow was my anger. After I scremaed at it and told it how angry I was I could feel that ball of anger was gone. It was a huge releif as crazy as it all felt. I hide emotion exceptionally well also so it was tough to let it all out. Cry...it is emotionally exhausting but the release you will feel afterwards is so worth it. Just my experiences, but just remember be gentle with your feeling, they are all normal.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is breaking for you as you bear what no parent should. I wish I had a magic bullet for you, but all I have to offer is my sincere grief for Maggie's & your pain. I wish you peace, I am humbled by your strength and in awe of your courage. It is said there is a special place in heaven for those who loose a child on earth, I know Maggie is waiting there for you - in perfect health!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful, precious Maggie. One of my dearest friends has two children with Mito and referred me to this site. We too, lost a beautiful little blond toddler almost 2 years ago, not to mito, but from an accident. I can relate to every word you wrote. My heart is broken into a million pieces, and yet it breaks still more for you, having to go through this unbelievably horrible journey of grief. I don't have any magical words for you. Nothing made me or my husband feel better in those early days. Time does soften that stabbing pain, but it takes a long time before it is not a constant presence. It feels like it is never going to end, and like you are going insane. What seems so unmerciful is that we don't go insane, we must press on. Why, I'm not sure. It is a question I asked 500 times a day in the beginning. It is so hard. Counseling has helped us, as well as our other children, and I'm so glad you are going. It does not seem to help much at first, but you will feel the value of it down the road. I know there it seems like there will never be peace, but one day there will be periods of peace. God is merciful, and I count on that mercy to carry me through each day, each hour. The prayers of others, when I could not pray, has been what has sustained me over the last 2 years. I have been blogging about the loss of my daughter and how I have felt and dealth with things on a day-to-day basis on my Caring bridge site. You are welcome to read although it may be too painful right now. Just know that you are not alone in this.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.caringbridge.org/visit/vivianmcalister
God bless you,
Lisa McAlister